Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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