Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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