genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
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