How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
is wine microwaveable?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
