New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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