don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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