I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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