and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
