I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
