yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
