I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
