we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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