So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
