I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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