wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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