he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
