he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
