I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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