You're so nebulous sometimes
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
