I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
