My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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