I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Randomize
