dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Randomize
