Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I wish you could order shots online.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
He felt like a one man threesome
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
