I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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