Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
