Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
