I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize