this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
