You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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