I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
