why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
