Taylor Swift is so right about you.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
