matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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