I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
