fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
