And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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