I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
