i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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