I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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