Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
