Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
