The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
