Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
