I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
