Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
im holly from the hills drunk
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
