I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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