What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
