well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
The power of my boobs compel you
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
