when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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