The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
