Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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