i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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