I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
