Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
