So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
