What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
