just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
