i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
