my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
