so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
