Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
