im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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