ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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