She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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